


Doctor, not relationship counsellor

by Janice_Lester



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-19
Updated: 2009-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-24 14:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8375974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janice_Lester/pseuds/Janice_Lester
Summary: Doctor McCoy is obliged to tell Spock some facts of life he evidently hasn't picked up from his reading.





	

***  
He was going to have to have a word with that inconsiderate hobgoblin, Bones thought sourly as he loaded his trusty hypo with something that would hopefully render the Lieutenant capable of performing her duties. Or even reporting to the bridge without wobbling into anything on the way. And it wasn’t like it was the first time.

“Thanks, Doc,” Uhura said, scooting down off the biobed a little too soon and having to be caught.

“Hold up a minute there, girl.” He helped her, carefully but firmly, back up onto the bed. “I’ll page the bridge, tell ‘em you’ll be ten minutes late for shift, okay?” She blushed. Bones sighed and rubbed his head. “I won’t tell them _why,_  all right? Anyone asks, I’ll say you were here with Denebian Dragon Pox, the line was long enough.”

She nodded gratefully and appeared to relax.

Bones put away the hypo and went over to the comm unit in the far corner to give the buttons an irritable whack. “Bridge?”

“Bridge. Johnson here.”

“It’s McCoy. Lieutenant Uhura will be a few minutes late this morning. Nothing to worry about, but you’ll need to stay on ‘til she gets up there, all right?”

“Not a problem, sir.”

Bones glanced up to see that the Lieutenant had lain back on the bed and did not appear to be paying him any mind. He lowered his voice. “Oh, and tell the Commander to meet me in my office as soon as he can, will you?”

“Aye, sir.”

“Sickbay out.”

***

It was only when he found himself shut in a small office with the Vulcan that Bones realised he had little idea how to handle this kind of conversation with someone who would not respond well to an offer of gin. He leaned one hip against the front of his desk and eyed Spock.

“Siddown, will ya?”

Spock raised an eyebrow as if to remark that the good doctor did not outrank him. But he sat, folding his hands elegantly in his lap and looking up at Bones with an expression of aggravating patience.

“Now look, neither of us is going to enjoy this much, I’m afraid, but my position obliges me to have a certain … little talk with you at this time, Mister Spock. It’s about Lieutenant Uhura.”

Spock paled slightly, though the tips of his pointed ears turned pastel green.

“Whatever you two got up to last night rendered her incapable of performing her duties this morning without medical intervention. Do you get that? You wore her out, completely. And it wasn’t the first time. It’s unacceptable, and I shall have to discuss your behaviour with the captain if it doesn’t stop.”

Spock’s expression was about a hundred times more pronounced than usual. He looked confused. “I was under the impression that seven hours’ sleep ought to be sufficient for a human female.”

“Seven to nine would be typical,” Bones replied automatically, “though everyone’s needs are different. Lack of sleep is not the issue here. You physically exhausted her, Spock. It takes a bit more than a single good night’s sleep to recover from that kind of a knock.”

“I…” Just briefly, Spock’s fingers twisted in his lap. “I spent three point five hours with the Lieutenant last night. We did nothing humans consider unusually taxing, to the best of my understanding.”

He was going to have to embarrass the bastard. Which was normally amusing, but not this time. Not in his professional capacity. “Sex is taxing, Spock. Especially when you overdo it.”

Spock fixed his gaze on McCoy’s left shoe. “We engaged in sexual intercourse only twice last night. Is Nyota not equipped to handle this frequency?”

“Is that all you did?”

Okay, Spock was definitely blushing now. “During the … refractory interval I was of course unable to experience further … gratification of my own. I was able to experience Nyota’s orgasms telepathically, of course.”

“Of course.” _Beginning to get somewhere,_  Bones thought. “And so you set yourself to making her come over and over again during the remainder of your ‘three point five hours’, did you?”

Spock looked up, but only, Bones thought, because the whole eyebrow-raising thing was pretty unimpressive if your companion couldn’t see it. “Lieutenant Uhura did not find the procedure objectionable.”

“Of course not, you great skinny leprechaun—” With an effort, Bones calmed himself. “And just how many times did she find it unobjectionable?”

A pause. “In all, Nyota experienced orgasm twenty-three times, not counting those orgasms she deemed barely worthy of the name.”

Bones choked down a laugh. “And, um, _counting_  those?”

“Thirty-seven.”

“I see.” He could, actually, see it all too clearly in his imagination. Dark skin against pale, strong thighs gripped tight around pointed ears… “That’s very impressive, Spock, and I’m sure the lady thinks you’re a genuine sex god. But you need to save that kind of kinky marathon for shore-leave, got it? At the moment, try to be satisfied with a more reasonable number.”

Spock looked uncertain. “Fifteen?” he suggested, and Bones thought he sounded distinctly hopeful.

“Spock, many women feel blessed to get one orgasm out of an encounter with the boorish beast that is man. Three would be wonderful. Why don’t you aim for five, which is, in my humble opinion, still bordering on the super-human? If there are no ill-effects next morning, you can perhaps work gradually upwards until you find a happy medium between your greed and her gettin’ wiped out.”

Spock actually frowned. “You are sure that human females—”

“Spock. I’m a doctor. Trust me.”

***

Lieutenant Uhura returned to sickbay the next morning. Her eyes were bright and her expression controlled, but she hugged him hard and her voice shook as she murmured that she had programmed a recipe for fried catfish into the food synthesisers just for him.

Bones congratulated himself on a job well done, and spent the rest of the day trying to purge his nagging envy of Lieutenant Uhura’s sex life.

***END**.

 


End file.
